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I wanted to end the war with my son.
Connection is more important than being right.

Undoubtedly, we are often at War in our minds.  Imagine trusting that everything is perfect, that you always get what you need, and that it always works out.  Truely, questioning my mind helps me end the war.  The ego mind that will compare,  judge, and bounce from images of the past to images of the future.  Therefore, it is not easy to shift it.  It will argue and hold on so tightly.  Surely, it takes a really open mind, stillness, and inquiry.  In the end, we feel free.  


Defense is the first act of war.  

When I engage in defending myself, I engage in war.  Why?  Because I am not listening to the other person.  I am hanging onto a belief that I am right.  I miss out on their perspective.  It only takes one person to end the war.  When I am clear, I can hear what someone else has to say.  I can really listen.  With an open mind, I can test out what they are saying, ask inside myself, and listen to my own inner wisdom.  


If you can stop the war between you and your child, mother, father, spouse, partner, etc (your own mind), then you will find connection and love instead of separation and war.  


A month ago, I  had the privilege of working with Byron Katie on her zoom calls she does Mon-Wed at 10 am MT.  I feel so fortunate for this opportunity.  She is masterful in how she can lead us more deeply into our own self-awareness and wisdom.  

I have re-listened to it several times and see how I was anchoring in more than one situation, and that made it harder.  Picking one situation and going deep is more powerful.  And much of my insight has come from the work I did after our conversation.  

My Work: 

As I have mentioned, I have been enjoying her work since the Spring, just before the Avalanche incident which was followed by a broken back a month later.  Having “The Work” as a tool has been really helpful for processing these experiences and learning from them.  My friend Anna Keeling, who is an amazing guide and good friend, introduced me to her years ago and it just took me a while to dive in.  Everything happens at the perfect timing, exactly when we are ready for it.  

I will share with you this vulnerable session in hopes that it could be an opportunity for you to go deep in your own life so you can experience freedom.  Below is the link if you are drawn to listening.  

If you are a parent you may relate to these struggles: 

  1. Getting your kid to eat healthily
  2. Getting them off the digital screen
  3. Wanting them to be helpful and respectful

My Vulnerable session with BK

If you are not a parent, you may relate to: 

  1. Trying to get someone else to do what you want them to do.
  2. Being frustrated with someone.
  3. Feeling overwhelmed
  4. Feeling righteous  

Well, this is where I was struggling.  I could feel the war between me and my son.  I felt the pain of separation as he pushed against what I wanted him to eat or do.  I knew there had to be a better way.  

Years ago, my amazing husband told me how when I hold onto beliefs really tightly that it pushes people away.  Essentially, when I am attached to being “right”, then I create separation.  Deeply, I am grateful to him for this feedback. Therefore, as I become clear, I can see how true this is.  So I apologize to all of you who I have judged or pushed my beliefs onto.  


When I am thinking…

  • I am right
  • I know the way
  • Others should do it my way
  • I am better than or less than another

…then I create war and separation.  

I get to be right in my own mind, but not deeply present or connected to others.  It’s a lonely place to be.  When I get really present, I can deeply listen to others and understand where they are coming from.  Curiously, I can see each person as my teacher.  

What is more important to me than being “right”? 

Connecting with myself and others!  

Before Self-Inquiry: 

I was being: 

  1. Controlling
  2. Judgemental
  3. Righteous
  4. Mean
  5. Manipulative
  6. A Victim

After the Self-Inquiry

I am being: 

  1. More understanding
  2. Present
  3. Connected
  4. Kind
  5. Encouraging
  6. Allowing for choice
  7. Open

Bodhi says, “Whatever you are doing mom it is working.”  


And I have a long way to go.  It’s just an ongoing process.  Life shows me each day where I can grow.  My emotions tell me when I am attached to something.  

Finding Connection: 

In the last few weeks, I feel so much more connected to him, and aware of when I am engaging in trust, love, or war.  I have “The Work” to fall back into for more self-inquiry when I feel anything from mild irritation to anger.  

Seeing Results: 

This morning I asked him to do some things and he jumped up to do them, saying, “You have been working with me, and I want to help you out.”  

He is hoping to do “The Work”, as Byron Katie calls it, or self-inquiry around his fear of the dark.  Hopefully, we can have that opportunity.  If not, I will do it with him as many times as it takes for him to find the Truth within himself.  

Now when I take the device away, I can do it with so much more love, clarity, compassion, and understanding.  

The Power of the Ego

The Ego is the screen we play in our minds.  It is all the stories, beliefs, and attachments we have.  One fun perspective to take is to love the ego and just watch what arises on the screen of life in your mind.  Listen to the stories with love and compassion.  The ego is not bad, it just is what it is.  It fights to survive.  When we can get still and listen we become aware of it all.  We can question it, and see what is true.  Once the mind is still then the inner voice of wisdom can arise.  It is always there to guide us. 

The Freedom of Inquiry

When I did the work with BK, I realized who I was when I attach to my beliefs.  It became apparent to me that I was much kinder and more open when I don’t attach to the beliefs.  Not only that, I can be more present, compassionate, and connected.  Undoubtedly, when I turn the beliefs around to the opposites there is deep wisdom available to me there.  .  

For example, “Bodhi should watch less iPad” can become “I should watch less.”  I saw the truth here because I listen to a lot of audio things throughout the day, but I wasn’t sitting down to do this work as much as I could.  Definitely, I was out of balance.  I knew this because I kept wanting to get to it, and felt like I didn’t have the time.  Interestingly, I wasn’t creating the time to sit down and do “the work”.  And when I did take the time to do it, it rocked my world.  

Through inquiry, I feel a sense of freedom and lightness.  Bodhi feels it too.    


Find Your Own Way: 

In conclusion, if you are tired of suffering there is a simple and very effective tool you can use called “The Work” by Byron Katie.  It’s free on her website, and she has free stuff everywhere on youtube.  I love her podcast too.  

There are many tools out there to inquire into the ego, thoughts, beliefs, and suffering that arises.  I hope you find one that works for you.  It will come at the perfect time.  

In addition, I love working with people on Mindfulness Coaching.  If you are curious, email me ([email protected]) and we can set up a no cost consultation so you can see if coaching with me seems like a good fit for you.  

Be Free, Be Love, 

(or not – all in the perfect timing)